


How Do I Care for You? | DarkSparks

by lilypuffin



Category: Apex Legends (Video Games)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Analysis, Character Study, Dark Sparks, DarkSparks, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff, Pining, Post-Canon, Romance, Slow Burn, does natalie even know shes gay, homoerotic subcontext, they're both pining and dont notice it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:41:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24997021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilypuffin/pseuds/lilypuffin
Summary: Written directly after "The Obvious Mole" quest. This was written BEFORE the week 7 quest, so there may be some things that have changed.-“Quit the Games, Natalie.” Renee’s voice was stern and unstable. She was no longer able to meet my gaze, “I’m serious. Leave…”At the end of her sentence were words that she didn’t – or maybe she did – know were dangling in the air between us. The plead was unsaid, but ever so evident. She thought I couldn’t see through her true intentions. She thought being harsh would scare me away. True, most of the Legends did believe I was naïve, after all. Why would she believe I would be able to dissect every painful crack in her voice, the lines or worry that tinged her brows, the sorrowful flame that lay in her averted gaze?“I’ve said it once before, Renee,” I moved closer to her, trying – and failing – to get her to look me in the eyes, “To you, it’s a gauntlet; to me, it’s home. I will defend it until the end. Besides…where else would I go?”
Relationships: Wattson | Natalie Paquette/Wraith | Renee Blasey
Comments: 31
Kudos: 157





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is my first ever fanfic so I hope you enjoy! This is supposed to follow the actual story as closely as possible and was written directly after "The Obvious Mole" quest. If you're reading at any point after the quest after this, please keep in mind that I have no knowledge of the quests after the one mentioned above :) There have been (VERY) minor changes to allow for the flow of the fic. Enjoy :D
> 
> (I haven't written in yearssssss btw so I'm pretty rusty, but let me know what you think anyway!)

POV: First | Wattson (Natalie Paquette)

“Miss Paquette.”

Dr. Caustic’s voice startles me back to reality. I glance up to see his towering figure before me, a figure that intimidated others, but not me. He stood between me and the chaos – that was starting to calm down – between Tae Joon, Hack and Revenant and the rest of the Legends. He was a large man, so it was difficult to see anything around him, but I suppose that was his intent. I began to relax, taking comfort in the fact that my interactions with Revenant would now be limited.

My hands were still shaking, and I couldn’t seem to stabilize them. The shock was overwhelming. My head felt light and fuzzy, the pressure in my ears from the anxiety interfering with my ability to stand up straight. My anxiety hadn’t been this bad in ages, but recently, I had become what felt like a pawn for Revenant and Loba’s quarrels and it was slowly resurfacing. 

Dr. Caustic looks to his side, where I notice Renee is standing defensively between myself and the rest of the Legends – who no longer seem to be paying us much attention. Her eyes are cold, colder than Dr. Caustic’s, but I can see there’s also worry. My heart sinks to my stomach. She shouldn’t worry so much about me. Although I had been targeted these past few weeks, there wasn’t much that I couldn’t handle.

I wanted to tell her not to worry about me, but how would I word that? Renee and I had become close friends – family, even – and I knew she would dismiss what I say and continue to stress over me, anyway. She doted on me like a helpless child, but almost everyone here did. Wraith, however, seemed to be trying to take responsibility for protecting me a lot more since the prowler attack by Cage. As I looked into her icy blue eyes, I realized no words I could say would make her stress less, especially not after what just happened, and the fact that I couldn’t stop shaking to this moment.

Wraith and Dr. Caustic held eye contact for a brief moment before he stepped aside, allowing her to move towards me. She immediately grabs my wrist and pulls me as quickly as she can towards the door. I stumble forward, my feet barely keeping up with her speedy little steps.

Just before we reach the doorway, a gruff, honeyed voice calls out to us. A chill ran through my spine. I stopped in my tracks. Wraith was trying to barrel through the doorway, but my feet were heavy, and stuck to the ground. She glanced back after she realized I wouldn’t budge, narrowing her eyes towards the perpetrator in question.

“Come now, girlies,” Revenant purrs in that sickeningly raucous voice of his, “You can’t leave, yet. The party isn’t over.”

Wraith positions her body between myself and Revenant, who has appeared, in person, from who-knows-where and is looming nearer. Her hand is still on my wrist, and my fear forces my body to react without consulting my head. I twist my wrist around and grab – no, _squeeze_ – her hand so tight that both of our fingers are probably turning blotchy red.

If Wraith noticed, she didn’t say anything. My hand was clenched so tightly that I didn’t know if she was even squeezing back. However, even in my frenzy of panic I could still clearly understand the exchange of words occurring beside me. With her free hand, Wraith pulls out her kunai and holds it by her waist defensively. Her body language had become hostile, but she never let go of my hand. Instead, she moved her body ever so slightly to appear divinely fearsome in the face of what the Legends had sometimes referred to as “The Beast”.

“I didn’t ask for your permission.” Her voice was a low growl, much like it typically was when she was forced to interact with Revenant, but now there was a certain venom laced in it that I had never heard from her before. It was terrifying, but also made me feel safer because it wasn’t directed at me, but rather _for_ me. Wraith continued to glare at Revenant (with eyes I couldn’t see because she was facing him more than myself) for a few more moments. The air was tense, and no one in the room dared to speak aside from the two in question.

The safety I felt shielded by Wraith allowed me the smallest amount of freedom from my own paralyzing fear. Without thinking, my head turned and my eyes met with Crypto’s, who was still being regarded with scrutiny from the other Legends. He was no longer attempting to make eye contact with me – or any of the other Legends, for that matter – and instead, had his attention entirely on Wraith.

Their eyes met, and I could see Crypto tense up under her heavy gaze. His eyes moved slowly between me and Wraith, but he settled on the latter, his fists clenched at his sides.

“Deal with _that_ , Park.” She stated harshly, pointing her chin towards Hack and giving him a subtle side-eye, “I’m taking Wattson back. The rest of you can figure out this mess…but leave _her_ out of it.”

By this point, Wraith wasn’t staying to hear another retort. We were out the door of Mirage’s bar instantly, leaving me barely any time to process one last sarcastic chuckle from Revenant. I was still in shock, unable to verbalize, let alone comprehend how I was feeling. Scared didn’t quite describe the knot in my chest, no. It was something slower, something that crept up within you over time and consumed you mentally and physically. This feeling was not new to me, but it wasn’t a recent occurrence. No, this was something I hadn’t felt since I first began the Apex Games.

Although it was unpleasant, I knew how to deal with it. Shock, panic, fear, anxiety; I knew them all well by this point in my life, but I didn’t expect them to resurface so suddenly. The prowler attack was the first instance where those feelings began to creep back into my mind. I went in to fence off the area to help the others and was confident in my abilities to ward the prowlers off. I couldn’t have imagined how outnumbered I would be…how wrong I was. Perhaps I had become too confident and too comfortable, I thought. Since I joined the Apex Games, I had slowly regained the faith I had in myself since Papa moved on, but after that night in King’s Canyon, I was beginning to doubt myself once again.

Pain aside, waking up in recovery hurt me more emotionally. Dr. Caustic had apparently never left my side unless absolutely necessary, and Wraith would check on me and stay for hours when she got the chance. I was told that the Legends were doing rotations on taking care of me, but Wraith and Dr. Caustic were there more than anyone else. When I had first woken up, Wraith was there alone with me, her head resting on the bed by my hip as she slept in a pulled-up chair. It was dark, probably early morning, so it took my eyes a few moments to adjust and make out where I was and what was going on.

I found out later on that I had been unconscious for a few days. When I woke up, my body was sore and numb in a few places. I couldn’t help but make a small noise of discomfort upon trying to sit up and assess the situation. Although I was confused and a bit distraught, I was still conscious of the fact that Wraith was quietly sleeping beside me. I didn’t want to disturb her in my mild frenzy, but the sound that I made (uncontrollably) must have woken her up.

I had barely even finished sitting up before her head jerked up and she was entirely alert, her hand immediately reaching towards her kunai while her eyes were squinting to focus. She quickly scanned the dark room, finally returning her attention to me once she was certain it was safe. Our eyes met. Her brows were furrowed, and her bangs were messy and disheveled. Overall, she appeared to be quite worn down, like she hadn’t been getting enough sleep recently. Considering it was probably some strange hour in the morning, though, her unkempt appearance was reasonable.

Still, I was pleasantly surprised to see her here. Wraith had always been kind and caring towards me, but she was laced in mystery. There were times where I could clearly see her vulnerability, intentions, and emotions, but there were other times where I had no clue what went on in her mind. There were days where I wondered just how far her levels of caring and affection towards me went. She never spoke much, so I had learned that I had to read her micro-expressions to understand what was going on inside her head. I imagine it must be a lot, which makes me hesitant on asking her too many questions at once. No matter how cold and intimidating she seems on the outside, I feel like she’s actually very fragile.

“You’re awake.” She said, her voice a bit raspy from just waking up. There was a faint tint of relief in her words.

A surge of warmth filled up my chest upon hearing her sound relieved about my recovery. I took a moment to recall what had led me to be in this situation before responding, making sure I didn’t say anything to give her more to worry about.

I smiled, “Of course. You didn’t think something like that could take me out, did you?”

She chuckled and looked to the side, the tension lifting from her shoulders. She thinks for a moment before speaking, “I’m glad you’re okay. How do you feel?”

I assessed myself, rolling my neck and stretching my arms out in front of me. I wiggled my fingers and brought my knees up to my chest to stretch them out, too.

I gave her a bright grin, “Tired, and a little stiff. I think I’m alright for the most part, though.”

She gave me a once-over, her expression neutral, “That’s good. Ajay said if that’s all you were feeling, you’d recover quickly.”

“ _C'est magnifique_.” I said, letting myself fall back onto the pillow. I was getting a little woozy from sitting up for too long. I closed my eyes for a moment to steady myself and then opened them again, “I hope I didn’t worry everyone too much. I must have been unconscious for quite some time.”

Wraith hummed in thought, “About three days. Caustic’s been the most worried, but now that you’re up he can stop brooding around so much. Honestly, he was starting to scare everyone even more than he usually does – not even just Loba.”

I caught a faint hint of distaste in her voice as she mentioned Loba, but she didn’t show it on her face. It suddenly came back to me. Right, I went in there because of Loba’s artifact. Dr. Caustic undoubtedly was blaming her for my condition, and it appeared that Wraith was, too. I looked at her with concern, weighing the outcomes of what I could say next. I never wanted to place to the blame on anyone. Although it is true that none of this would have happened if we hadn’t stumbled into this adventure, I was almost positive Loba had her reasons. She clearly had a past – as all of us here did – but she had been nothing but kind to me. Surely, what she was doing was justified. Everyone deserved the benefit of the doubt, after all.

“Wraith,” I said softly, getting her to finally meet my gaze again since I had woken up, “I hope no one is going too hard on her. I really am fine…and I’m sure she has her reasons.”

“Whatever her reasons are, they shouldn’t disregard your safety, Natalie.” She held my gaze intensely, her voice stern and exhausted. She took a moment to think before speaking again, something I noticed she did quite often. I didn’t know what to say to that. It looked like everyone had started blaming Loba for what happened to me, but that’s not what I wanted. I went in on my own, confidently, after all. Wraith’s concern for me and distaste for Loba at this moment was expected, though. I just wanted everyone to get along…Right now, a lot of us only had each other.

Wraith sighed, brushing wayward strands of her from her face as she met my eyes again, “Sorry. It’s been a stressful few days. Get some more rest, okay? I’ll give you more details…later.”

I nodded, unsure what else to do – least I cause her more distress – and the conversation ended there. Over the next few days, she slowly but surely filled me in on what had happened since I went unconscious. I was more conflicted over who to believe and trust after finding out what happened between Revenant and Loba, and after what happened tonight at the bar, I was even more confused – and exhausted. Crypto seemed so kind and brotherly during our conversation. There was no way he would let Revenant breach Hack…right?

“Nat…Natalie.” Wraith’s voice jarred me back into the present moment. I looked around to see that we were already back at the lounge of the building all the Legends were housed in. I immediately noticed that my heartbeat was no longer quickened and lifted up my hands to see that they were also no longer shaking. _Good_ , I thought. _The calmer, the better._

“How do you feel?” She asked me.

There it was. That question again. That look of concern and distress. My stomach felt like it was doing gymnastics. She really didn’t have to worry herself over me so much…but I had to admit, it felt nice? If it weren’t for Wraith, I don’t know how I would have made out in that bar for another moment. She walked me all the way home and didn’t say a single word to allow me to calm down and be lost in my thoughts.

I think that was something I appreciated about my companionship with her. She knew I was capable. She didn’t _tell_ me to calm down or try to force me to. No, she knew _I_ could do it on my own, but she helped me get into a situation in which I could do it peacefully. Wraith had never seen my anxiety the way it had been tonight, but somehow, she just _knew_ how to handle the situation, and honestly, words couldn’t describe how much I valued her. She really had become my new family.

I couldn’t help but smile warmly at her, grateful beyond words. I held my arms out before me to show her how I wasn’t shaking anymore, “Much better, _mon ami_ ; thanks to you.”

She studied me cautiously, her expression still filled with concern, as if she wasn’t convinced by my words. After a moment of thought, she gently took both of my hands with hers and examined them carefully. I resisted the impulsive urge to pull my hands away. This type of physical contact was…different. It didn’t make me uncomfortable, no, but it wasn’t something I was used to. I wasn’t sure how to respond to her touch, which made me wind up simply gawking at her features as she assessed me. Her head was hanging down, allowing me to peak at her dark, lengthy eyelashes. I don’t think I had ever really looked at her like this before. She had her jet-black hair tied up in a medium ponytail today – an exceedingly rare occurrence – and had on a bit more jewlery than usual. Aside from the adorable silver nose piercing she often wore, she also had on three sets of earrings in each ear. Her face was pale, soft, delicate. My chest suddenly felt tight.

My eyes wandered down to her arms that were bare from the elbow down. Her nails were painted black, the tips of her thin fingers lacing with mine as she turned my hands inside-out, searching for something I wasn’t sure of. I looked further down, noticing how she only had on a pair of knee-length denim shorts, a loose white tank top and a jacket rolled up to her elbows. She didn’t often show a lot of skin, but the summer heat was taking a toll on a lot of us lately. Even Bloodhound was wearing less and less.

I swallowed hard as my eyes wandered where they shouldn’t have and I (unintentionally, _I swear_ ) caught a glimpse of her cleavage. I choked on my own spit and coughed in response, which made Wraith look up at me with confusion and a bit of worry. I pulled back one of my hands to cover my cough, trying to reassure her that I was alright while simultaneously trying to backtrack my mind to just before she started touching me.

Yes, that was a safe point. No weird thoughts there!

“Are you sure you’re alright?” She asked me, still loosely holding onto one of my hands. She seemed to have finally realized her intimacy and retracted her hand like she had just been burned, meeting my eyes apologetically, “Sorry.”

“Perfectly peachy! Don’t be sorry!” I exclaimed, smiling a little bit more aggressively than I wanted to. Wow, this had gotten really awkward really fast. What type of phrase was that? I’m not even sure where I learned it, but it was so bad – and I was typically _amazing_ with my play on words. I straightened up my spine, cleared my throat and kept both my hands occupied by clasping them together below my waist before me. My attempt to make the space less awkward was becoming desperate and probably painfully obvious.

Somehow, Wraith didn’t seem to catch onto how awkward I was feeling, let alone acting. She simply looked confused and a bit embarrassed, but there was nothing else I could read in her expression.

Before I could open my mouth again to make an even bigger fool of myself, she spoke first.

“I think you should get some rest.” Her tone had suddenly become dark and serious. It was a sudden change, one that came out of nowhere. There was something eerie in her tone, something I was worried was related to the fact that she had suddenly began looking around in small, panicked motions. She often did this in the Games, too, when she knew there was danger nearby but wasn’t sure just where it was. I made a note to look at her hands, noticing – as I expected – that they were hovering over her kunai at her waist. She hadn’t quite grasped it yet, which led me to believe we weren’t in immediate danger, but she was more than ready to whip it out within an instant if need be.

Without noticing, my expression dropped. The drop must have been drastic because Wraith immediately stopped looking around and kept her eyes on me, shifting nervously. The nervousness lasted for merely a moment, though. She didn’t miss a beat and gestured for me to move through the lobby with her to go to my room. I obediently followed, my anxiety starting to pulse into me slowly again. I trailed so closely behind her that I almost bumped into her a few times on our way up to the rooms.

Once we arrived at my apartment, she nudged me gently through the door, checking the hallway, once, twice, thrice, before shutting and locking the door behind us. I was too anxious about what exactly was bothering her to this extent to notice what she had just done. I simply watched her as she did a slow once-over of my apartment before confirming that the area had no trace of a threat. Her eyes finally wandered over to me, and her expression changed entirely.

Her tightened jaw relaxed, and her narrowed eyes grew round, soft and sweet. A hint of a smile played across her lips, but it could have easily been missed if I wasn’t already staring at them. My eyes jerked up quickly upon realizing what they were focused on. My attention was all over the place lately. One minute I’m sick to my stomach with anxiety and the next it’s filled with butterflies.

_Make up your mind, Natalie!_

“I’ve been worrying you a lot tonight. Sorry about that…again.” Wraith said sheepishly.

I couldn’t pick an emotion to stick to anymore. My thoughts were all over the place and Renee apologizing to me made my heart sob. I know how naïve I appeared, being the youngest in the Apex Games, but I didn’t want her to waste so much energy thinking about me. Her caring for me to that extent…it wasn’t fair. If she kept going at this rate, I might just…

“What about you, Wraith?” I asked, the words fumbling out of my mouth before my brain went on a tangent that I wouldn’t be able to come back from. I asked the question, but the thoughts behind it seemed to come after it was already said, “You’ve been taking care of and defending me all night, but I realized that I haven’t asked how _you_ are feeling?”

She was taken aback by the question. Her eyes widened and her mouth parted slightly in surprise. What was the meaning of her reaction? Was she not expecting me to return the concern? After the way she had been doting on me recently, was this not an expected response?

The surprise was short-lived, after all. Wraith gathered her bearings and forced a smile, averting her gaze once again, “Perfectly peachy.”

I frowned at her, giving her no other notable response. This forced her to look up at me again, so she realized how upset I was with her answer. Usually, I enjoyed people making my own jokes back to me, but this time I was serious. Under more light-hearted circumstances, I would have simply laughed it off and let the conversation go, but Renee had been so selfless and had been defending me for a few days now. I couldn’t simply let her pretend that nothing was bothering her, too. It had been a stressful week for both of us. It wasn’t fair to have her spend all of her energy worrying about me and forgetting to tend to herself.

“Honestly, Wattson, I’m fine.” She said, waving her hands for emphasis. I didn’t believe her. I continued to hold her gaze, making sure she didn’t look away from me so I could see exactly how she was feeling as she lied to my face. There was a sudden fire within me, determined to figure out what was bothering her, but she was adamant on not talking.

She flinched under my stare, no longer able to meet my eyes, “I’m just tired.” She admits, but I’m still not convinced, “But we all are – which is why you should get some rest. I’m going to my room. Lock your door and don’t open it for any---What are you doing?”

Wraith had her hand on the doorknob to leave the room as she was finishing her statements. She was deflecting. In my head, I felt that if I didn’t stop her now, she would never open up to me. I had to return her kindness, and I had so much I wanted to ask her, but how could I do that if she kept running away as soon as she finished caring for me? No, no.

_She can’t go yet. She just_ can’t.

I squeezed into the small space left between her and my door, pressing my back against it. I spread my arms out on the door defiantly and stood tall, looking down at her with what I hoped was something like intimidation. If she wanted to get through the door, she was going to have to physically pull me off and make a run for it. I wasn’t letting her leave without a fight!

Her hand was still on the knob, but she looked up at me and held my gaze, unwavering. I faltered for a moment in surprise. W-wait. Why did she seem so obedient already? I hadn’t even started to argue against her leaving verbally, but she was looking at me so calmly, so expectantly. Even as she questioned what I was doing, there was something knowing in her eyes and her body language. She allowed me to squeeze into the space and was now hovering before me, our bodies so close that our chests were almost touching.

“Well?” She hummed quietly, but the sound filled the bottom of my stomach with butterflies. She moved her face closer – probably only a mere centimeter – and it was at this point that I realized…

She was _so_ close.

My brain lost all of its ability to function at that point. I stepped forward, closing the rest of the space between us and wrapped my arms around her shoulders, bringing her into a tight embrace. I rested my chin on her shoulder, wanting nothing more than to just _feel_ , if even for a moment. I couldn’t remember the last time I hugged another person like this, but I did remember how it made a person feel. Safe. Protected.

_Cared for._

I wasn’t always sure how to get through to Renee, because her and I were very different people who walked vastly different paths of life. I wasn’t sure if she even wanted to be cared for, or cared about or taken care of. What I did know, however, was that after observing her in the Games for over a year, she needed someone to care for her the way she cared for me. She was more than likely just as (if not more) touch starved as me, so at the very least I could offer her a hug.

“If you can worry about me, why can I not worry about you?” I whispered. I knew she wasn’t made of glass and she wouldn’t break if I spoke too loudly, but something in me urged me to be quiet, gentle.

And sure enough, after a few moments of her awkwardly hanging her hands in the air around my waist, her entire body sank into the embrace. She held one arm around my waist and the other pressed along the line of my spine, her fingertips light on my back. I hugged her even tighter, and she let out a light sigh of relief, the tension in her body that I thought she had already rid of dissipating entirely.

_Yes,_ I thought to myself. _We both needed this._


	2. Midnight Conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In my mind, there was only one safe option for her. I had to get her far, far away from the Apex Games. It would be a violation of her Legends contract, but I would take the fall for her if it meant keeping her out of impending danger. It pained me to know I wouldn’t be able to see that little ray of sunshine in the Arena anymore, but it was a price I was willing to pay to keep her alive longer. Nat was intelligent and self-sufficient and would make out fine on her own outside of the Apex Games. The further she was away from this place, the better off she would be.
> 
> “You’re lying to yourself.”
> 
> Hmm. So now they wanted to talk?
> 
> Whatever. It had to be said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI AGAIN!!! Let me start by saying this was probably one of the hardest things to write! With the quests that kept coming out, I had to adjust a good bit in the process, but IT IS HERE! Thank you to everyone who patiently waited and those who encouraged me to keep going! A special shoutout to @/ptanalo on Twitterfor drawing out the precious scene from Chapter 1. Her art really helped me keep going with this to make it bigger and better!

_ Part I _

POV: First | Wraith ( _ Renee Blasey _ )

Affection wasn’t my thing. 

The sensation of human touch was foreign to me. Well, obviously not  _ all _ forms of human touch. The bruises that regularly painted my knuckles were a reminder that I knew very well what it felt like to touch another person. Scars, scratches and scrapes were all inflicted by the interaction of flesh on flesh, and my body was well accustomed to them. I wasn’t phased by it anymore. Those types of touches were cold, meaningless and empty.

This touch was  _ nothing _ like them. 

I wasn’t sure what I was expecting – or maybe I did and refused to let the thought cross my mind,  _ or even admit it _ – but nothing could have prepared me for what Natalie had just done, not even the voices. Everyone in the Games knew not to touch me. I’d let Mirage slide a few times, but he’d learned his lesson since then. Outside of the Arena, I didn’t touch people and I didn’t let them touch me. It was a simple concept that everyone was well aware of.

Apparently, Natalie didn’t get that memo. At this very moment, though, I was kind of glad she didn’t.

I had grown used to the cold. The Void was always freezing, in a way that one couldn’t quite understand unless they experienced it firsthand. It was the type of cold that sank deep within your skin and clenched around your bones. It was the type of cold that was almost paralyzing, leaving you unable to move, unable to think. This cold was painful, rigid and unrelenting. Its harshness knew no boundaries, to the extent that I could constantly feel it lingering deep inside of me, even hours after exiting.

When Nat tangled herself around me, her warmth was overwhelming. Her arms draped over my shoulders and wrapped loosely around my neck first. I barely had a moment to process that because the rest of her body – her  _ chest _ – followed immediately after. She was pressed against me and just…holding me there. She didn’t try to put me in a chokehold or cut my throat with some hidden knife. She just…hugged me? 

The heat from her body was almost searing. Was my body that cold? Was it just in my head? I couldn’t be sure, and it probably wasn’t something I would ever find out. All I really knew was that her body felt like it was quite literally  _ burning _ me for several seconds before it neutralized. I let my hands hang by her waist, unsure if I should touch her or pull her close. How did she not feel the vast difference in our body temperatures? The last thing I wanted to do was pull her into my frosty embrace.

As time passed, though, I realized that she had either not noticed the coldness of my skin or she simply didn’t care. She wouldn’t budge, even though I hadn’t reciprocated the intimacy. Her blonde locks brushed the side of my face as her chin nuzzled into the pocket of my shoulder, the heat from her face building up against mine the longer she stayed there. Her natural scent (she wasn’t too fond of perfumes) was prominent, graciously tickling at my nose. It was at this point that I started to learn – or maybe even remember – what it was like to allow yourself to drown in another person’s touch.

The voices had been awfully quiet. After all, this was Nat we were talking about. The engineer’s daughter. The sweetheart of the Apex Games. The woman I would risk it all for. Wattson, Nat, Natalie…she was extending her comfort to me, even though I was pulling away. The voices from the Void made me paranoid and skeptical about everyone’s intentions, but Natalie was one of the only people that they never tried to warn me about.  _ She’s safe _ , I would tell myself.  _ You know she’s safe. _

And she needs you as much as you need her.

I let one arm wrap around her waist hesitantly. The motions felt strange and uncomfortable at first, but as my other arm pressed gently against her back, I allowed the tips of my fingers to rub rhythmically against the line of her spine. I let out a deep, calming breath and sank into her embrace, suddenly wondering just how I was managing for this long without feeling the touch of another human. 

As if on cue, Nat squeezed me tighter, her face moving closer than it was before, even though it felt like that wasn’t possible. Her cheek lightly touched mine for an instant, causing a shock to pulse through me. My heart skipped a beat…that was new. I suddenly began feeling exposed and vulnerable. My heart felt like it was being squeezed, my body falling weak within Natalie’s embrace. Everything in me was shouting to make it stop before it was too late – everything but the voices.

They refused to chime in. Even though I, myself, felt like I was being crushed by an invisible force, the voices were dead silent. Aren’t they supposed to warn me about things like this? Surely, the way I felt right now warranted for  _ some  _ sort of reaction from them.  _ Anything?! _

No. Nothing. Nothing at all.

“If you can worry about me, why can I not worry about you?”

I seized, a gasp catching in my throat. Her voice was hardly even a whisper, but the sensation of her breath against my ear was intoxicating.  _ She really has no idea what she does to me _ , I thought. I immediately pulled back away from her out of sheer panic, but our proximity still remained. Her arms around my shoulders trapped me in that embrace of hers, and my own arms wouldn’t comply with my head and remove themselves from around her waist. 

We were now facing and holding onto each other with more intimacy than either of us intended. I expected Wattson to be the first to crack under the overly sensual eye contact that was being made, but she somehow seemed entirely unphased by it, making me the first to break. I looked away with a flush, embarrassed at how weak just looking her in the eyes made me. Considering how we were holding each other right now in a way that was  _ far _ too close to be platonic, could anyone really blame me? Nat and I hadn’t established anything further than friendship, so this type of action should have jarred her, even if just a little bit. How was she so calm right now when my entire body felt like it was overheating?

“If I don’t worry about you, who will?” she pushed onwards, still trying to get me to look at her. I couldn’t do it…not right now. How could she not notice the situation we were in? If I answered her honestly, how would she take it? I had never expressed any of my romantic interest to her, because I knew she had her own things to be concerned about. Even though she didn’t show it, I knew she was still grieving, and now with all that had happened since Loba had entered the Games, she must have been even more distressed.

_ No _ , I decided,  _ she can’t know – not now.  _ I had to deflect this somehow.

“Nat, I can take care of myself.” I stated firmly, attempting to loosen my grip around her waist to urge her to do the same. I couldn’t bring myself to let go of her and the warmth she provided that I hadn’t realized I was longing for. Maybe I was a coward for this, but I had too much on my mind right now to worry about that. She  _ had _ to be the one to let go. Even though I knew our positioning was making ignoring her pleads hundred times harder on me, my body simply refused to let me take my hands off of her.

She huffed defiantly at my response, “I, too, can take care of myself, yet you still worry. Tell me, Renee, why won’t you let me in?”

_ Don’t call my name like that.  _

I winced mentally. A barrier within me was being chipped at.

My head was starting to ache. She was asking me questions I didn’t know how to answer, questions I wasn’t sure I even knew the answer to. I hated this feeling. My exterior was hard and cold for a reason, but Wattson was determined to break down my walls and expose the most sensitive parts of me. I couldn’t admit to her that I wanted that, because it would be selfish of me to do so. She didn’t need my burdens. She didn’t need to know about my past that I was still trying to piece together myself. She didn’t need to know the pain that weighed down on my heart from the knowledge of who I used to be. I couldn’t let her in. She was too pure, too precious. How could I intentionally inflict my own pain onto her and  _ still _ sleep well at night?

“I just…can’t.” It was all I could say. I wasn’t good with words. My conversations with the other Legends were always minimal on my end, and with Natalie, it was the same. We usually had conversations where she did most of the talking and I merely listened and gave her small comments here and there. It was a dynamic that both of us appreciated, as Nat loved to go on and on about certain topics, and I just enjoyed having the company of someone who didn’t write me off as an outsider.

Why did today have to be different? Had the sensory overload gotten to her head? She was acting out of character; a bold, unyielding part of her was surfacing that I had seen once, maybe twice, in the heat of a battle. I couldn’t dare peak at her eyes right now, knowing that I would find that she had that determined expression that was one of the reasons I began falling for her in the first place. That expression hit me harder than the soft, sweet one that she typically wore. It was something I couldn’t relate to myself, something that gave Natalie her own uniqueness. If I let my eyes meet hers, I might just break and tell her how I honestly feel.

_ And that can’t happen. _

Neither of us were in the right headspace for me to dump these cursed emotions into the mix. It was bad enough that my heart yearned for her no matter how much I tried to dismiss it; telling her about it would no doubt complicate everything we’ve established so far. Natalie is family. She deserved family right now. What I was not going to do was deprive her of that because of…whatever it was I was feeling. She had already been through so much these past few weeks and was subject to even more turmoil simply because of how kind and trusting she was. 

I had to protect her - and there was no way I could do that if I let myself be vulnerable to her.

I braced myself, my stomach sinking before the words even left my mouth. I had to do this. My head wasn’t on straight, and if Nat kept looking at me with those big, beautiful endearing eyes, I would ruin every ounce of trust we’ve built between us so far by telling her my feelings towards her. I had said it once before; we picked the wrong road. This path led to the worst possible outcomes, and I couldn’t have Natalie at risk in the midst of this inevitable chaos. The voices had already warned me about one particular Legend, and I couldn’t sit around and let him, or anyone, for that matter, take advantage of her. 

In my mind, there was only one safe option for her. I had to get her far, far away from the Apex Games. It would be a violation of her Legends contract, but I would take the fall for her if it meant keeping her out of impending danger. It pained me to know I wouldn’t be able to see that little ray of sunshine in the Arena anymore, but it was a price I was willing to pay to keep her alive longer. Nat was intelligent and self-sufficient and would make out fine on her own outside of the Apex Games. The further she was away from this place, the better off she would be.

_ “You’re lying to yourself.” _

Hmm. So now they wanted to talk?

Whatever. It had to be said.

_ Part II _

POV: First | Natalie (Wattson)

“Quit the Games, Natalie.” Renee’s voice was stern yet unstable. She was doing everything in her power to avoid meeting my gaze, “I’m serious. Leave…”

At the end of her sentence were words that she didn’t – or maybe she  _ did _ – know were dangling in the air between us. The plea was unsaid, but unmistakable. She thought I couldn’t see through her true intentions. She thought being harsh would scare me away. True, most of the Legends did believe I was naïve, after all. Why would she believe I would be able to dissect every painful crack in her voice, the lines or worry that wrinkled her brows, the sorrowful flame that lay in her averted gaze?

“I’ve said it once before, Renee,” I brought my hand up to lightly caress her cheek, trying – and failing – to get her to look me in the eyes, “To you, it’s a gauntlet; to me, it’s home and I’ll defend it until the end. Besides…where else would I go?”

“Anywhere but here.” She snapped back immediately, her face contorting with anguish. Did she not notice how obvious her true emotions were coming through right now? If it weren’t for how close her words hit to home, I probably would have found her reaction a bit cute and humorous. 

Unfortunately, though, this didn’t seem to be the time or place for that. I noticed how uncomfortable she seemed and realized she needed some space between us. I wasn’t sure why but letting her go felt a lot harder than necessary. Even though her skin was a bit cold to the touch, there was something about holding Renee close to me that just felt so  _ right _ . Nevertheless, I knew to respect the boundaries of others, and Wraith seemed like she was about to explode from all the physical interaction.

I slid my arms from around her back and brought them to her shoulders. My fingers detached themselves from her collarbone, which left my arms sort of just hanging in the space between us. She still had me wrapped in her embrace by the waist, and I think it was at this point that she noticed that I was trying to give her the space she wanted (or that I  _ thought _ she wanted). Without even looking me in the eyes, her face flushed and she let go of me entirely, letting her eyes wander aimlessly as the awkward tension started to surface.

I avoided thinking about what just happened like it was the plague, and instead decided to ramble onwards into my next spurt of words, “B-but ‘here’ is my home. My family is ‘here’. I don’t think I’m ready to be alone again,  _ mon amie _ . You know that well…”

I was surprised I was able to say the words out loud. The awkwardness of the situation must have made the discomfort of the harsh truth in those words less daunting to admit aloud. It was a thought I had often, but one that I never wanted to discuss. I knew if I mentioned it out loud, it would be real. I would have no choice but to acknowledge that the Legends were my new family, and that Papa was gone.

I hoped desperately that she would say something – anything. If I had to endure anymore silence, the thoughts of the reality I was living in would creep in and quickly consume me.  _ Please, not now _ , I thought. Tonight was far too stressful, and although I was making out pretty well, there was only so much I could handle in such a short time span. I was exceptionally good at avoiding the problems around me and masking my emotions, but the knot in my stomach was warning me that I had bitten off more than I could chew. One sensory overload was enough; a panic attack was  _ not _ warranted right now. 

“I know…” she whispered faintly after what felt like an eternity. She crossed her arms over her chest, still refusing to look at me, “But you would be so much safer if---”

“No _. _ ”

I saw her eyes widen in surprise before she –  _ finally _ – made eye contact with me. For this one rare occasion, she looked nervous. I don’t know what my voice sounded like just now, but it struck some sort of fear into her. Any other time, seeing her like that would have broken my heart, but right now, my heart was beating too fast to concern itself with something like that. The numbness in my head was returning and the tips of my fingers were tingling and probably shaking again. My jaw tightened as I watched Wraith start to extend her hand to me in concern.

“Nat…Natalie, please let me expl---”

Just as her hand was about to touch mine, I jerked it back with a speed I wasn’t aware I was capable of. Wraith backed up immediately about half a foot away from me, eyeing me wearily with silent concern. 

_ “No!” _

__

This time, my voice surprised even me, but that didn’t matter at this very moment. It cracked with a horrified hostility that made me question my own mental stability. I pressed my lips together tightly, as though it would stop the tears that had suddenly started wetting my cheeks. 

I tried again, more delicately. I didn’t want her to leave me, too, “No…I can’t leave, Renee. You know I can’t leave…why would you say something like that? Why…?”

There was a pause, but at the time I couldn’t tell that any time had passed at all. I knew what was happening, and there was nothing I could do to stop it without medication. Fortunately, panic attacks and meltdowns were something I was used to and, as scary as they were, I knew that I could let them run their course and then the nightmare would be over…until the next one. 

But in this very moment, the terror, the irrational untamed thoughts and the way my body was feeling more like a prison than a home were all eating away at whatever was left of me. My vision was blurring from the lack of control I had over my senses and the tears pooling in my eyes. My ears were starting to ring, and my hands instinctively went up to cover them, but to no avail. The nausea set in, and my ability to make rational decisions - let alone thoughts - went out the window. 

Even after all these years, it was still difficult to control the overflowing onset of emotions. I suppose I wasn’t careful this time. The stress from the other Legends and the Games in general had been weighing down on me, but in short bursts. If the events had been closer together, I probably would have been able to catch that I was taking on more than I could handle. Sadly, that wasn’t the case this time. All the feelings I had been hiding from the past few weeks were coming to the surface to drag me under with them, and while they were at it, they were bringing the past I tried so desperately to ignore into the mix. 

Papa wasn’t here anymore. The other Legends were pitted against each other. Wraith was trying to push me away. I felt myself slipping and my sobs getting more uncontrollable, more aggressive.

_ Please, stop. _

“Natalie, sit down.”

I sat down.

I buried my face in my hands that quickly became slippery with tears. I felt exposed and vulnerable. I hadn’t worn my hoodie today. I didn’t want to cry like this in front of her. What if she got annoyed and left me? 

_ I don’t want to be alone. _

A sob caught in my throat, and then continued to get more violent. I was shaking now, and my head was aching so badly that it hurt to continue crying. 

_ Please, don’t leave me right now. _

Wraith rested her hand on my leg, her knees just barely brushing against mine. When did she sit down next to me?

“It’s okay. I’m here. Just let it out.”

Her voice was calm and smooth, like she was completely unbothered by the fact that I was having an entire meltdown right in front of her face. Her hand rubbed my leg gently in a rhythmic motion, and she sat entirely still next to me on the couch. I couldn’t see her because my face was buried in her now-soaked jacket, but I could sense the tranquility and comfort from her presence. 

_ Is she…not leaving? _

I intertwined my fingers with hers without a single thought. She immediately responded, squeezing my hand back and placing her free one lightly atop them both. 

“Cry as long as you need.” Her voice was hushed, but I could somehow make out the words clearly through the loudness of my own cries. They were rough, unrestrained and not stopping anytime soon, while Renee’s voice was like a pleasant lullaby. 

_ No...she’s not leaving. _

The cries didn’t stop - they weren’t going to. Nothing was going to make painful hiccups, the labored breathing and the violent shaking from ending anytime soon. No, my body had made its choice. Very clearly put, this was a panic attack and a meltdown mixed together, and my body was responding accordingly. No amount of non-medical treatment was going to make it stop.

Maybe the physical aspects wouldn’t stop, but I realized now that I had something - someone - to, at the very least, put my mind at ease. The way time was passing wasn’t accurate in my state of mind, but I knew that what felt like seconds was probably minutes. My cries seemed like they would go on for an eternity, but Wraith still sat here with me, comforting me. Watching me spiral out of control like this for the first time must have been scary and confusing for her, but she still stayed. She wasn’t leaving.

And that was all I wanted. That was all I needed.

At some point, the cries would stop. My head would no longer ache. I would soon remember how it felt to breathe without short, painful pants. Time would pass normally. Speaking wouldn’t hurt my throat. Everything would be back to normal, and no one would have to know what happened but the two of us...just as it should be.

It was noisy, but Renee kept my thoughts quiet. She kept me reassured and anchored. Even at my worst, she stayed by my side. She couldn’t stop me from crying and hurting myself with my own noise, but she could make the angry voices in my head silence themselves to lessen the burden.

She was probably good at that by now, wasn’t she? It must be exhausting.

My body was starting to feel weak, unable to keep up with my consciousness. Finally, I thought. I was drifting off to sleep. On the outside, nothing was changing. Renee was still holding onto my hand firmly, reassuring me that she wouldn’t let go and she wouldn’t leave me. She probably thought that she wasn’t helping much, because the cries simply wouldn’t stop, but little did she know that what she was doing made all the difference. 

I was somehow able to lean into her. She still felt cold, but this time it was welcomed because of how warm my body was. She continued holding one of my hands while she wrapped her arm around my shoulders and pulled me in close with the other. 

This felt...good. She took a long time to warm up to me. For the longest time, I would catch her sneaking glances at me when the other Legends were getting acquainted with me. She would stand off to the side, just watching, but never interacting. If I ever made eye contact with her before, she would tuck her scarf up over her mouth and walk away.

Now, she was in my room cradling me to sleep when I was at my lowest point. It was amazing how much time and a little bit of kind interactions could go. Months ago, I would have never guessed that she would be the reason for my smile and my sanity.. She was my anchor. She was my muse. She was the woman that I think I would risk it all for.

She was the calm to my storm, and I couldn’t have loved her anymore for that.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Part III

POV: First | Natalie (Wattson)

  
  


I woke up confused for a brief moment. My eyes were swollen, my head was throbbing and my back was contorted in a way that pinched at my sides. The discomfort was a bit annoying, but once the reason I was in this position to begin with came back to me, I was suddenly entirely alert. 

I didn’t move, because I recognized exactly where I was –  _ who  _ I was on. At some point, I must have fallen over and fell asleep on Renee’s lap, and somehow, she hadn’t moved after all this time. I could tell I had been out for an hour at the very least, but she still managed to sit here with my body weight sprawled across her lap as though I was as light as a feather.

I stayed as still as I possibly could, too embarrassed by the thoughts that were coming back to me from just before I fell asleep. I was now overly aware of our proximity and how definitely-not-platonic the interaction we were having felt. Renee’s thin fingers were lightly running through my hair while her other hand laid over my waist. Somehow, her hands didn’t feel as cold anymore and instead were warm and welcoming. 

_ If I move, this will be awkward _ , I thought. What would I even say to her? Do I just jump straight up? Do I speak first to let her know I’m up so she can move her hands? Or maybe I should- 

Her hand suddenly stopped moving in my hair and I felt her shift a bit.

_ Oh, no. _

“You’re awake.”

My face felt hot. I was awake now, but at what cost? I silently cursed her alertness due to the voices from the Void at this moment, knowing that they told her I was up. I suppressed a sigh. There was no pretending I wasn’t awake, so what could I do? Maybe a joke? Renee always laughed when I told a joke. It would definitely take the attention off of the situation we were in but, also…

I’d hear her laugh.

Or rather, I’d hear her chuckle lightly; Renee didn’t really laugh too much. She had been a reserved person since I met her, so getting even the slightest reaction out of her always gave me a sense of achievement. She had opened up to me a lot, but there were still secrets she couldn’t tell me – not yet. I knew there were things that weighed down on her that I didn’t know about, so if I could be the spark to the dark spot in her heart, I would do it and be the best at it. 

But  _ oh _ , her laugh! I couldn’t handle it, right now! I couldn’t believe that all this time I didn’t realize that the butterflies in my stomach whenever I saw her, or heard her speak, or heard her laugh or even  _ thought _ about her was me  _ liking _ her. A huge part of me wished I had never figured it out, because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be sitting her debating whether to play dead to avoid the reactions to Renee that I wouldn’t be able to control. 

Calm down, Natalie, calm down! If you just act normal, she’ll never be able to tell. After all, Renee more than likely doesn’t like me back, so she wouldn’t notice any tiny changes in the way I act, right? No, no. I’m just overthinking. I just need to-

“I’m sorry.”

My train of thought was lost entirely. I wanted to pretend I didn’t know what she was referring to. I didn’t want to think about what had happened just before I fell asleep. In all honesty, if I could forget this whole day, I feel like both of us would be in lighter spirits. The amount of vulnerability we had shown to each other was making it so hard to face her right now. When Wraith continued speaking without letting me move or say a word, I was grateful. How could I look in the eyes after that meltdown?

“…about what I said earlier. I’m sorry.” She continued, her voice just as quiet as it was earlier. She sounded exhausted, but she did her best to push on through the words, “I didn’t think about how you felt. I was being…selfish. I just wanted to get you somewhere safe while all of this mess went down.

“But you are your own person and you control your own life. I had no business interfering with that. I know you don’t want to leave because we’re your family now and you’d have to start all over again. I know that. I know that, but…”

_ She knows me well _ , I thought. I shifted a bit to get comfortable, realizing that she wanted to talk but she, too, was too embarrassed to face me. I placed my hands between her lap and my head as a bit of a cushion and stayed still after that as a way of encouraging her to keep going. I could feel that this was hard for her. She wasn’t one to talk much, after all. Hearing her voice for this long was new. If she didn’t seem so hurt while she was talking, I may have savored this moment more.

She didn’t audibly exhale, but I could feel the rise and fall of her stomach that I was leaning against. She continued, but this time she spoke swiftly with a hint of cracking in her voice.

“I was only thinking about protecting you. You’re strong, brave and capable and I knew you would do just fine if you were to start over. I guess I didn’t consider that those qualities would also mean you’d be able to stand your ground here, too, no matter what goes down. Lately, though, I’ve been so worried about you. You know you’re my family, too, right? I have to protect you, and I haven’t been able to these days. If anything worse were to happen to you, Natalie, I’m not sure you’d be proud of what I’d do.”

I felt a shiver spike down my spine, but didn’t show it. Right. It was times like these where I remembered that Wraith was lethal. Even though she was able to maintain that calm and collected exterior in and out of the Arena, I was very well aware of how well she could – and would – fight. She had taught me a lot of what she knew in terms of hand-to-hand combat during our free time, and when our training got intense, she would also get a bit too aggressive. I could tell she was always holding back the extent of her knowledge when sparring with me. I had no doubts that she could single-handedly take out an entire army of men if she felt it was necessary to do so.

Even if she could be aggressive and intimidating at times, she was still the same Renee who had come to be one of my closest friends and even...a romantic interest. I flushed just thinking about the words.  _ No, Nat, focus.  _

She seemed very apologetic right now. One thing I didn’t understand was how she felt she was being ‘selfish’ by trying to keep me out of danger. Wasn’t trying to keep someone you cared about out of harm’s way considered a selfless act? The way she went about it may not have been the greatest, but it wasn’t like her intentions weren’t pure. I felt a bit bad for yelling at her earlier over this. Both of us just weren’t in the right state of mind to have the conversation that happened.

Somehow, after being yelled at like that, she still stayed by my side the entire time. I started thinking back to exactly what happened. In the middle of meltdowns and panic attacks, I don’t see things rationally. The concept of time and reason just no longer exist. In those moments, though, Renee made sure that I sat myself down and cried for as long as I needed to. She made sure I had something to cover my face with because I absolutely hated to be seen crying by other people. She continued to reassure me that she wasn’t going anywhere when my mind was telling me otherwise.

And now, she was still here, letting me rest on her lap as she comforted me with gentle rubs. She wasn’t big on physical contact, so I knew this was huge for her. 

A thought suddenly crossed my mind.

Was this actually huge for her?

Now that I had the clarity of mind to think about it, Renee and I were very intimate. I knew she didn’t do this with anyone else (I remembered what she did to that guy in Mirage’s bar that made a comment to her), and our actions seemed more than just platonic. I thought back again. W-wait. She was holding my waist when we were hugging. Friends don’t do that. And what was with that look in her eyes when she had me trapped against the door? Did I really not understand how overly sexual that look was?

My mind wandered back to the situation we were in now. My head on her lap. Her fingers twirling around in my hair. Her hand on my waist suggestively. The apology. Her being so selfless towards me alone.

I knew I was bad with social cues and often misjudged situations. I knew it was the best for me to simply keep my mouth shut and observe her for a little bit longer before coming to this conclusion. I knew I would probably get my feelings hurt if my assumption was incorrect.

I knew all of this, but self-control wasn’t always my forte.

I pushed myself up within an instant and twisted around to look Renee dead in the eyes. My arms were both on either side of her, hands pressed into the couch, and my hips were still leaning against her. She looked petrified at my sudden response. She moved back a little bit impulsively, her lips tightening as I forced her to hold my gaze.

_ Natalie, no! Don’t say it! _

“Wait, do you actually like me, too?!”

_ Oh, my _ , I thought.  _ I’ve actually gone and said it. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I deffo had some trouble with the transitions on this one which is why it took so long, but I hope the overall message was clear and it was still enjoyable! The next chapter will be the last one of this darksparks series BUT I already have another idea for when our ladies are well established into their relationship, so stay tuned for that if you're interested! Once again, I'll provide updates on Twitter @/ladyravenfalco for all my fics and new ideas. I'm on that app every day and I post a lot of stupid and funny stuff haha ily guys for staying with me WE GO AGANE WITH THE NEXT CHAPTER

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed! The part in the summary will be in the next chapter, "Midnight Conversations"! I tried really hard to make it fit in this one but didn't want to make the story flow awkwardly and feel too forced and fast-paced. I hope you stay with me in this slowburn DarkSparks journey! It will be, at the least, three chapters, btw! (And don't worry, there will be smut, just not yet :3 )
> 
> If you follow me on Twitter you'll be able to see all my updates on new stuff I write and when it'll be posted 😊💕  
> twitter.com/ladyravenfalco


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